FOMO < FONK
A battle I fight and lose daily, and still rise to fight again
Newsletter #19: June 2025
Hello! It’s been a while (376 days to be exact). Today, before I sat down to write this post, I went back and re-read my last entry, which I published in May 2024. In it, I talked about how I wanted to avoid writing just for the sake of it… so mission accomplished, I suppose.
There have been many changes in my life over the last year. Most notably, I bought a house in South Philly! It is 101 years old and beautiful. I’ve been working on it with my dad and I am so happy here. I also now have a guest room, for the first time - so if any of you are passing through Philly, you’re welcome to stay.
I’ve also been reconnecting with my fine art background, and have spent the past ten weeks taking a stained glass class. It’s been amazing to have an artistic outlet that’s not photography, and to disconnect creativity from productivity and money. The class was an amazing opportunity to put my phone down, draw for the first time in years, and dip into a flow state (or maybe that was just inhaling the toxic lead fumes, who’s to say!).
The first of two reasons I felt compelled to write this blog this week was a conversation I just with my stained glass professor and classmates. This past Thursday was our final class, so a few of us went out for drinks after. One of the topics we hit upon was our preferred travel style, and the table (much like anyone else in my life who I’ve shared this with) was truly rattled by the way I prefer to take trips.
I often refer to myself as a “low key hedonist” and, by that, I mean that I am constantly seeking great food, beautiful books, deep connections, etc. I want to know it all, and feel it all. I think that this constant seeking is probably the biggest reason why I became a journalist, and why I still love what I do. It is also why my travel MO is so inconceivable to most people.
A friend once told me that a vacation is when you do nothing, and a trip is when you do everything. Needless to say, I always take trips. When I travel, my days are packed to the brim. The fears that contribute to this jam-packing are two-fold: 1) What if I never get to visit this place again? And, 2) FOMO. It is truly nightmarish for me to imagine returning from a trip to friends asking, “Oh, you were in (insert place here)? Did you go to (insert amazing restaurant, museum, or experience that I missed here)?” My brain immediately goes to a place of: what if that was the best restaurant / museum / experience in the world and now I will never know what it was like?! So, as a result, I try to do all the things. Even if an experience ultimately wasn’t the best in the world, I’m genuinely more happy knowing than not knowing. A bad meal is still a good thing to me, because now I know that it’s not a good meal (and, before, I didn’t know). So, maybe I don’t actually experience FOMO (fear of missing out), but FONK (fear of not knowing). (Yes, I did just invent this acronym!)
Outside of travel, the place where I most experience FONK is at industry events… which is the second reason I felt compelled to write this today. This past weekend I went to Photoville: a great photojournalism festival that’s held in Brooklyn each year. It is a really amazing opportunity to experience beautiful photography (free to the public!) and connect/reconnect with other people in the industry. It is also a very overwhelming experience for me. (Ironically, my last newsletter ended with me plugging that I’d be attending Photoville soon and felt prematurely overwhelmed.)
I’ve now attended Photoville four times: in 2019, 2023, 2024, and 2025. To say it’s a huge festival is an understatement. There are so many great photography displays and panel discussions. So many of my friends and acquaintances attend, and so many people who I want to be my future friends and acquaintances are there too. There are many formal events, and even more casual meals/hangouts/parties, etc. Simply put, there is a lot to take in, and even more that I will never be able to take in. As a person who literally invented FONK, you can see my predicament here.
Last year, when I was lucky enough to display my L’dor Vador photos as a banner at Photoville, I made a whole long weekend out of it. And, as I am want to do on a trip, I packed my weekend with plans. Of course I didn’t meet all the people and do all the things… but I came pretty close. My FONK was actually satisfied. I also, however, almost passed out (multiple times in fact). I kept myself so busy that I was not drinking enough water, sitting down enough, eating enough, nor sleeping enough. I was doing all the things, but I was so overstimulated (and not treating myself super kindly) as a result.
This year, I was thinking about not going to Photoville. However, when my friend Hannah told me she was going for the day and that I could ride in her car, it seemed like a good opportunity. I figured that, by going for just one day instead of four, I’d fix my previous overstimulation problem. And, ultimately I suppose I did. But, I unknowingly invited another problem in its stead: the dreaded FONK.
I did see some art, go to some panel discussions, and talk to some people this year. But I only experienced a fraction of the total festival, and left with a long mental list of people who I wished I’d been able to connect or reconnect with. I knew I should focus on what I did experience, but I found myself ruminating on what I didn’t. When I talked to Hannah about this, she asked if there was a particular person I regretted not speaking to. The answer to this question was, honestly, everyone. In true FONK fashion, I regret every single person I didn’t get to speak to. (I’m aware of how delusional that sounds, don’t worry!) To this, Hannah replied with something I’ve been thinking about all day. She said, “Maybe I’m wrong… but this could have something to do with control. Because so much of being unable to do the thing that you think could have been the ‘best’ experience may have been out of your control. And being in control often feels like we’re able to quell the anxiety.”
Obviously, she couldn’t be more right. My anxiety tells me that I could have had a better day if I had talked to more people. My anxiety tells me that everyone else had a better day because they talked to more people. In reality, all of my friends from Photoville who I connected with today have told me that they were also incredibly overstimulated; they also left the festival feeling like they didn’t get to do, see, and connect enough.
Try as we might, we will never know it all! I am trying now, instead, to focus on what I did experience, instead of what I didn’t. I got to see my friend moderate an amazing panel about visualizing criminal justice. I got to see another friend’s beautiful new tattoo in person. I met a new friend, who was so kind to share her umbrella with me. I got licks from a friend’s dog, and hugs from a friend’s baby. I don’t know what my experience could have been - but I do know what it was (and it was pretty great).
I’m sharing all of this now because, when I got home from the festival (and was stewing in my FONK anxiety), I read my friend Jennifer’s latest blog post. In it, she is so vulnerable about her dating life in a way that, though I haven’t had the exact same experiences as her, made me feel so incredibly seen. It made me think that, if anyone else was feeling similarly to me post-Photoville (and I think there are many of us afflicted with FOMO / FONK, whether we’d like to admit it or not), writing this might help them feel seen too.
I’m not sure how much of this will resonate with you all, if any of it. But, if I didn’t try, I’d never know… and we all know by now that I have a massive fear of not knowing ;)